Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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