All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
