just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize