Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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