dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
