I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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