The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize