Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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