remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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