I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
