I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
