apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
