So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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