i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
