Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
