plz talk dirty to me
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
