My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
