So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I believe in your delicious
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
