I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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