there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
