In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
