Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
