Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Four minutes until I can fart!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
