and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize