Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
