yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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