Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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