She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
