I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
