The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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