dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
