I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He felt like a one man threesome
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize