you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
