I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
