why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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