Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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