I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
