i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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