Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I love you.
Bad choice
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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