Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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