I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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