I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
