mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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