i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
