we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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