watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
