My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Randomize
