The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
