I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
