Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
