I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize