I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
