I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
