I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
