Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
