Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
