I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
