in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i think my cat just said my name.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
