I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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